How things change

It have been a while since my last writing here. There are many reasons for it, but the main one was that I was busy, in a relationship, my first gay one, and it did took up most of my time and of my thoughts.

In my last post I did reflect about addictions and how I did get involved with drugs, but mainly it was unwinding about my now ex partner and his excessive drinking. Now we have split up, and all have changed. again, as I said somewhere else it is all just the state of my mind.

I was so frustratred with the whole situation we, I was finding myself in, it did get to the point of anger and then I felt emotionally drained, as well as being really stressed out by it all. I spent most of my counselling sessions talking about why I felt that way, and now it seem all so clear. It was just not the right relationship for me.

But of course until I take a step back and look at the situation from a detached point of view, the emotions and feelings simply prevail and cloud my better judgement. In a way it was the same as when I was on drugs, too involved to have a clear view. Thankfully it seem I always get that moment of lucidity that make me see things in a rational and realistic way.

And thankfully I can find the strenght to take steps in my life that make things happen and change the way I am living my life. I hope for my sake that I will always have this ability to step back and see myself out there. I guess I should be proud of being able to make changes when I am not happy. But self esteem and apreciation of myself are not really a strong point of mine.

Anyway, since the split, I feel great, and free. Cliche' yes, but finally I have the confidence to go out there and meet new people and build relations and have fun. I guess I have now the strenght to go out there and enjoy this reborn I am experiencing. After years of drugs and isolation, I simply don't want to be on my own anymore. I need to be with people, make friends, and enjoy the time. I am getting old, and I get a shot at life only once. So better get on with it.

The relationship with my ex make me understood many things. First of all, I know now what are my needs, emotionally and phisycally, I got to understand what type of man I fancy and what I am looking for from a relationship, and ultimately from my life. It is a journey of discovery that have just started, there are many many things I need to learn and see and experience. life have just begun for me, and now I feel ready to live it. Getting tied up in a relationship full of tension and misunderstandings and issues was not a good start, but all experiences are good for my journey. Knowledge of myself is key. And I am getting it. One day at the time. As long as I have the ability to look at me and do the changes I need.