With girls in my straight days it was a different emotion. I remember I wanted to love, I thought I was loving, and I never really felt loved back. It was like the relationships with the gals were build on sex and nothing else. My emotional needs felt completely out of place, as I felt I was looking for something the ladies could not give to me. It is difficult to put into words, but girls were a forced thing. And I did not understand why I could not made them love me. Probably some of them did, but I never felt it. After the sex had lost its initial exciting appeal, there was nothing left. Very depressing. And anyway I felt always on a different level. Never really connected, and what is more disconcerting when I think about it is that I never started a relationship, with any of them. I have been proposed by all of them. One even jumped in my bed, with me protesting, but she wanted to be with me, and I let her.
It just did not feel right, so I never looked for it. I understand now, but at the time I thought that I was simply waiting for the right girl.
Since accepting my sexuality I have been looking back at all those episodes in my life. I did go with a girl after I had some encounter with a guy. I guess I wanted to demonstrate to myself I was not gay. But then I did not relate things at all.
So I never felt much, apart from being uncomfortable, and at times I felt used. And they never lasted long anyway.
With H it is a revelation. I feel him, especially after the last arguing we had, we have turned a corner. We want to be togheter and we will work out our fears and frustrations. I feel when I am with him as I never felt. I am completely out and comfortable with him, and he is with me.
It is like being complete, I don't need anything or anyone if he is with me. We compensate and support each other. It is the most wonderful of sensations knowing that he miss me and he think of me. The trust I have is complete. He will break me if he abuse my love. And he is not. That much I know. I thought I could never trust anyone with my feelings, but I trust him. I love him and miss hin all the time.
I know this is a honeymoon period, and that probably we will settle for a more relaxed relationship, but I know we are growing togheter and we will learn every day. I am so happy. He is my first love. Right now I think he is the one I want to grow with. But it is early days and life is impredictable. But the security of him is the best feeling I ever had.
