Counselling

Tomorrow I will have my first session with a counsellor about my drugs history. I booked this long ago, two months or so. Then i was still pretty confused about everything, now I feel all is much clear.

It is a bit nagging that I do not what to expect, but more is the feeling that I do not need it. Or better say I do not need it for the drugs. I know I used drugs as an escape route from my family struggles and to a lesser degree from my lies over my sexuality. I guess there is a lot to talk about, and I will feel it is worth the time if she can help me to unravel my present feelings.

The way I see it is that counselling on the only basis of helping on not to go back to drugs is now pointless. I am not stupid enough to ruin my life again, especially now that I am starting to enjoy myself. I know anything could happen to me, but I know even better that getting back on drugs would not be the answer for any problem that could arise. As I feel now, my life is worth my two cents and I am happy with it. When I got involved with drugs heavily, it was as a wish to die. Nothing was worth the hassle to go through the day. I learned that my soul is worth more than enough. Nothing will change that. I am not a bad person and I can be proud of myself, even with all my issues and past.

So what is the point to get there tomorrow morning?
I hope she will be able to unlock my fears of rejection and my insecurities as a human being. I hope she will be able to make me understand why I feel so starving and in need to be loved. I know it is all rooted with mother and family, but at times it seems too simplistic. I need to actually get down to it and analyze myself to finally get over my past. Will it be her brief? Probably she will just say that I need a therapist or worst.

I am not worried, but it would be nice given the chance to really understand on a more analitic level my past and consequently my present. I know I am feeling good about just about everything in my life, I have more confidence and I live more intensely than I ever did.

Still I am afraid that if I can't understand my emotional needs I will never be able to share my love unconditionally with anyone.