Feeling again

The responsability to feel again is the most scary thing. I have never been very good in managing my feelings, and my thoughts. I am re-learning to think again without getting tangled with my feelings.

I find myself dividing my past in chodhood, teenage years, black hole and adulthood. I am missing a whole set of emotions. I can only look back. And I do not feel anything for my drug years. I can't really rermember any emotion. I can really start to understand what I did to myself. I did walk in a different dimension, a fake world of self told lies and deceit. For years I told myself that I was not worth the trouble. For years I really believed to be an insesible monster, my hearth hard as a stone, incapable and unwilling to love and feel without getting hurt or without giving out pain. All my relationships had failed and as a result I was a failure. The responsability of having feelings had almost destroyed me, so intense and confused I was.

It is true, first of all mother, brother and friends. A whole set of people that were tightly connected with family and later drugs. I was not able to understand my feelings, the confusion in my head. The responsability I felt for mother survival and welfare, the emotional and practical demands of a deeply depressed woman, combined with the loneliness, the inability to talk with friends and my despair. All in a circle, coming out of the house in search of a lighter enviroment to relieve my mind, friends with whom I could not relate, working to pay the bills, back home to a faked normality and not understood feelings.

Drugs were just the perfect thing to not think about anything. This trips we all took together, everyone running from his own demons, or drinking to oblivion for no reason at all. The lies we told each other, to justify ourselves, already hiding behind some kind of macho facade, strong guys can do drugs for no reason. What a bullshit. Everyone of us had issues, parents, school, jobs and life, any excuse just to get out of our minds. The more problems, the more heavy the use. Until one day I find myself with a needle in my arm. The biggest trip of all. Complete leave of the senses. I got really scared when I came back from that trip. I was the worst of them all. I had no safety net and I was in free fall. It was scary, as I did not care. I knew somehow what would happen. I knew I was going to lose what was left of my life. I knew and I did it anyway. I had no balls to step back and see. I had no reason to. Mother was all I had and I was bad for her.

I now realise my drug use was a way out, in a way a survival route. I did try to kill myself. Tablets. I ended up in hospital for three days. When I came out of there I took off in search of a job, the more distant from her the better. My body already craving the heroin, my mind weak, with no emotional support, I came to the UK in a bid to destroy myself, out of the way, willing and ready to go back only in a coffin.

All of my feelings for for family and friends were mangled with guilt, fear and my own pity. I was not able to clear and divide the various emotions, unable to understand the gloom of it all. Coming to England I lost the will to be resposible for my thoughts and feelings. I stopped caring for anyone as I did not care for myself. Downhill with my arse on the ground on a bumpy ride.
I did not feel. I manage to achieve my goal for a painless life.

I am ashamed. I am not sorrow, I will not apologise for any of it. I felt how I felt and acted as I acted. that is why I am now. A friend told me that I am finally living my life as I really want. Caring, considerate and happy. I agree. I am learning to understand my mind and its needs. I feel certainly not confused.
I know what I want, I know what I like and I know how to go about it. I have matured in an adult man. I am proud I changed my life but I can't stop wondering if I paid a very hefty price for my present being.

I guess that if I did not have to deal with mother depression, my drug use would not have been an addiction and my sexuality could have been lived in a different way.
Life is a bitch. Now I know. I can deal with it.

Attitudes

Now, this is going to be very interesting, the actual mingling again with people I considered almost friends for a long time. I am getting back to work in a restaurant just opposite the one I spent my last seven years. We all know each other and I am curious about the attitudes of my old mates.

I said almost friends simply because Ialways had to lie to some extent because of my drugs. No one ever knew and ever will, probably, that I was using. With a position to maintain I have always threaded carefully, refining with time the art of hiding.

Now is going to be different. I am not ashamed of being gay, so it is bound to come out soon or later. I di not really know how to behave.
I got the first taste last night, I met with a friend and colleague, an old mate, and we got talking about gay and what it means. At least they told their experiences on the night out they had in a gay club. I did not say I am, they did not ask actually, but I made clear the we are normal people, we do not bite and there is no need to get scared. But that was the underlining feeling, in gay company rhey feel threatened and consequently do not relax. But I guess their scare is just ignorance. I was almost to tell C I am gay, I am Alex, the one you know and respect as a friend. It is me, do not be scared. Than I thought better as the evening was not exactly the best opportunity. But I will tell him, I want him to know. And I give him credit, so I will try.

This take me to the world at large. I guess I have to start thinking in rights on the work enviroment. Awkward. But I have to if I do not want to get tramped by my fears of losing the job or inside bullshit. I need to put into my mind that my skills and abilities are the only things that counts, as they have always been. Drugs never influenced my career, my sexuality is my business only. As it was my addiction.

Thing is that it will be more difficult. In my kitchen, I always tried to keep a better level of conversation than just sex and women. Still, some people do not think or talk about anything else.
Any way I will answer truthfully and with as much pride as I can muster to the inevitable question " But, why?....Are you gay?" .

I have to say I never have never seen anything remotely bad down here towards our community, but it is true I never lived in the commubity. So it is going to be a learning curve. Attitudes in Brighton are famously liberal, this the gay UK capital, but on a personal knowledge, I do not know.

Expectations ( part 2 )

I need to be wanted. This is something probably many do not even consider.
I guess I am the only one to feel how I feel. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, no one else who feel so badly wanted, for a lack of basic love. It made me still wet my eyes and bleed my heart.

I guess what have been my life affected me more than I would like to know.

But I want to understand. What bother me really is the fear of not being capable of love without hurting someone. I need to work out why I feel the need to be reassured all the times. I cannot think rationally on this, I feel lost, again.
At least I can be practical and write about it, and maybe I get to spot who I am.

It all go back to mother, as in any of my being, all go back to her. I simply accepted her truths, never really questioned them. Especially the truths about me. Too scary or too far away with the fairies.

I have this need to be reassured that it is all fine, pleasuring the personal bond and intimacy, no judgement and no lessons to be learned, just feel the warm of her body and the sweetness of our souls .

Mother use to made me feel like that, but I lost that bond along the way.
Too early I find myself longing for that security, I lost her, in the midst of our stupid lives and crises, we lost how to get to the basic love, the one I can work around, the one I can use to support me when I fail and fall. I learned that I had to pick myself up without her, and for a long time I wobbled under the strain of the loss and realisation that I had to move on, mother can't do anything else for me, and I can't help her.

There was a time I thought she was the only reason I had to live. It took me time to understand I owe to her I am here, but my life is my business. We did not know how to deal with each other, I did not know how to deal with her, and now she is the past, distant and raw, still influencing me and my feelings. I need to put into my mind that I cannot do anything about it all. I cannot and do not want to have her dictating my feelings and needs.

I want to love in a clean and pure way, I need to give myself with no reservations, I need to feel again that security she cannot give me.

I know, it is not fair on who will share my bed, but this is something I need to regain, the security of being loved. I must not let my expectations run riot with no restraints.
I really do not want to suffocate the relationship with H with my insecurities.
I can't pretend from him to care and love me, only he can feel my needs and respond to them.

I am trying to get him in my arms and reassure him that I will look after him, but I fear that is not what he want. To be true I have no idea what he need, i see he is insecure, and I try to love him, I try to make him see that to me he is a beautiful and attracting soul.

Then i think that maybe he is not ready to let go to me, I think I am too much for him, I need him to show me somehow that he feel for me as he says. But I do not feel it, and I start to wonder why, mind overdrive is assured.

But it is good, because I can explore my expectations and needs, and I can work out how to go about it. If it was up to me I would be on call and text every minute we are not together, thinking of him every minute. Then I realise that probably he does not want to, too much attention and commitment. I know it is idiotic to expect him to fall head over heels, but I am this way, romantic and passionate, needful and demanding. Too much to bear.

It is just that he give out some signals, and I want to hope, and wait. I will give it time, dealing with my expectations. If he want to be with me he will show me what he need, taking me out of this paranoia that is already gripping me.

Girls, same story. Needed and expected to be understood. Never happened.

I hope I will find a guy that can see where I came from, take my hand and try together to mould our souls to fit each other. I can only dream and hope, I can only treat my expectations for what they are, needs that can only be addressed but impossible to eliminate. I need to grow up and take the lead of my emotions.