Expectations ( part 2 )

I need to be wanted. This is something probably many do not even consider.
I guess I am the only one to feel how I feel. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, no one else who feel so badly wanted, for a lack of basic love. It made me still wet my eyes and bleed my heart.

I guess what have been my life affected me more than I would like to know.

But I want to understand. What bother me really is the fear of not being capable of love without hurting someone. I need to work out why I feel the need to be reassured all the times. I cannot think rationally on this, I feel lost, again.
At least I can be practical and write about it, and maybe I get to spot who I am.

It all go back to mother, as in any of my being, all go back to her. I simply accepted her truths, never really questioned them. Especially the truths about me. Too scary or too far away with the fairies.

I have this need to be reassured that it is all fine, pleasuring the personal bond and intimacy, no judgement and no lessons to be learned, just feel the warm of her body and the sweetness of our souls .

Mother use to made me feel like that, but I lost that bond along the way.
Too early I find myself longing for that security, I lost her, in the midst of our stupid lives and crises, we lost how to get to the basic love, the one I can work around, the one I can use to support me when I fail and fall. I learned that I had to pick myself up without her, and for a long time I wobbled under the strain of the loss and realisation that I had to move on, mother can't do anything else for me, and I can't help her.

There was a time I thought she was the only reason I had to live. It took me time to understand I owe to her I am here, but my life is my business. We did not know how to deal with each other, I did not know how to deal with her, and now she is the past, distant and raw, still influencing me and my feelings. I need to put into my mind that I cannot do anything about it all. I cannot and do not want to have her dictating my feelings and needs.

I want to love in a clean and pure way, I need to give myself with no reservations, I need to feel again that security she cannot give me.

I know, it is not fair on who will share my bed, but this is something I need to regain, the security of being loved. I must not let my expectations run riot with no restraints.
I really do not want to suffocate the relationship with H with my insecurities.
I can't pretend from him to care and love me, only he can feel my needs and respond to them.

I am trying to get him in my arms and reassure him that I will look after him, but I fear that is not what he want. To be true I have no idea what he need, i see he is insecure, and I try to love him, I try to make him see that to me he is a beautiful and attracting soul.

Then i think that maybe he is not ready to let go to me, I think I am too much for him, I need him to show me somehow that he feel for me as he says. But I do not feel it, and I start to wonder why, mind overdrive is assured.

But it is good, because I can explore my expectations and needs, and I can work out how to go about it. If it was up to me I would be on call and text every minute we are not together, thinking of him every minute. Then I realise that probably he does not want to, too much attention and commitment. I know it is idiotic to expect him to fall head over heels, but I am this way, romantic and passionate, needful and demanding. Too much to bear.

It is just that he give out some signals, and I want to hope, and wait. I will give it time, dealing with my expectations. If he want to be with me he will show me what he need, taking me out of this paranoia that is already gripping me.

Girls, same story. Needed and expected to be understood. Never happened.

I hope I will find a guy that can see where I came from, take my hand and try together to mould our souls to fit each other. I can only dream and hope, I can only treat my expectations for what they are, needs that can only be addressed but impossible to eliminate. I need to grow up and take the lead of my emotions.