Anger

I have been in an emotional roller coaster since the last post I did wrote. 

The counselling was actually really helpful, we just got to the basics, as family and where I come from. I did outlined my life and got to connect emotions and situations. It was all stuff I knew, I did worked it out already, but the simple fact of hearing it loud and the feed back I got on my thoughts, made it real and the realisation of it just made me cry and cry.

 It is good. I can start to look back at my life without getting overwhelmed by guilt and inadequacy. I mean those feelings are there, they affect my life every day, but I can now get to work and try not to made them ruin this new life that I am beginning to live. This is me as it should have been since long ago, if only I had not strayed. I feel like now I finally have the opportunity to live as I wish, as opposed to how I lived in result of situations I did not looked for.

This is my time, time for Alex to come out and get going, true to myself. It is excting and scary, probably, but I will not run any more, I will not hide with drugs and I will not mask my feelings and fears behind a shy facade. That is not me. I am outgoing and happy going chap. 

I am still wary of people that share my life, as almost no one knows who I really am, they only knows what I told them, no family and single. No one really knows of my past as a junkie, as I always hided it very well, and no one know my sexuality as I did not know myself.

My boyfriend knows about everything, from family to drugs, some good friends knows about what it  means to me, and there is probably no need to let anyone else into it.

Now I must learn how to deal with the insecurities and the anger I feel when I am powerless. The insecurities I know come from the family, but the anger is a coping mechanism that I never really explored. It is a state of mind that very quickly pass, none the less I can be scary. I am not violent at all, still I can be very loud and probably intimidating. I will work on it with the the help of the counselling. 

I almost lost my man because of my reactions to situations that I escalated. Looking back I could have simply let go and let the situation run its course. No anger and no scare. But hindsight is great the day after, isn't it? I just need to be more cool about things I can't control, or at least that I thought I could control. Amyway every mistake is a new chance to learn about myself.

What is interesting is that I see what is happening when I get into this shouting sessions, I see that is going to happen and that I will be horrible, still the urge to get it out of my chest is stronger. I need to get it out so that there is no mistake about how I am feeling towards the situation. It is normally the frustration of being done wrong, and consequently I feel entitled to my five minutes of madness. I know there are better way to vent my stress, but at least after I got it out I can move on. It is all very quick. I never keep a grudge. Maybe it is the wrong way, but it is the best way I know.

Maybe I will learn differently. How I would like to be able to be cool all the time, but than probably I would have to unwind some other way. People use drugs, drink or burn energy in the gym, among other things. Excluding diink and drugs, I probably have to start going to the gym, lol.

Anyway, I'll learn. For a better me.