Mirrors (part1)

Eventually I avoided mirrors altogether. Last year I find myself in front of a mirror, once again I felt the familiar urge of running for cover. And I did. But somehow, I did find the courage to take a pick at those eyes. I remember thinking that if I could put a needle under my skin, certainly I could look back at myself in a mirror. It did scared me. I did not know then the scale of the deceit I created for myself, I did not remember. My whole being was hidden behind those eyes, together with all my truths. If only I could master the courage to venture into those brown eyes, so inviting, so attracting. It took some more time. One pick at the time, everyone longer, everyone more comfortable then the one before. And eventually I spotted me. I was still there, scarred and scared, but I was there. I had been hiding for so long that I almost forgot how good I felt at those earlier times. The day I find myself still in there, waiting to be taken back on the surface of my emotions, I actually stopped taking heroin, The hiding place had served its purpose. I did not need to hide any more and eventually I got behind my eyes, into my soul and I did find that the fears and guilt of my childhood had gone, somehow I had managed to stay hidden long enough to understand and let my fears and pain go. Where was my soul? I felt empty. I had to be in front of a mirror, I had to look into me and try to feel my soul again. And I felt it, real and growing stronger, still sleepy because of the years of hiding, definitely lighter, but certainly there. And yet I did not feel the ability to avoid completely that feeling of fear of letting myself go, free to wonder into those brown eyes of mine,I knew that something else had to be thrown out before I could experience those wonderful and awe inspiring trips, before I could experience those feeling of comfort and security and achievement. I had told myself all my truths, I had cried all my tears, I had let everything out. When I did look into me once again and I had felt that after all, nothing would matter, I felt desperate. I could not go any further. I got rid of all the lies that was my life and it was still not enough. I still did not feel the whole of my being. I thought that the simple truth, the only one left, the only possible one was that after all I had lost myself. But It did not feel right, not at all. It was no right. I was there. I could feel I was there, I could feel the echo of my soul. I could not see. The desperation at my inability to found myself in there would have been a good enough reason to simply hide again, this time forever, I felt the urge to hide and to close up. I felt it, stronger and stronger. I was in free fall again, my head was spinning in total confusion, Millions of thoughts, feelings and emotions, battling, pounding and hurting, the pain so unbearable, I needed to grasp my truth, I had to, I needed to find that one thought, that one feeling that could bring me back to the surface, back to reality, back to Alex in front of a mirror. It did happen quickly. No time to think about it , no time to make up other lies. I heard myself saying out loud I AM GAY. With conviction, confident and aware that it was the only truth that could help me retain my own sanity. Everything just stopped. My thoughts were clear, my emotions at last real. This truth I did hide in the deepest of my thoughts, too fearful to even consider it , this one basic and wild truth, this key to the door of my whole being. Finally those intriguing eyes had took me back into myself, finally I am able to find my footing. Today I can once again look into my soul and rediscover all my other truths, I can learn again how to appreciate myself, how to please myself, how to fulfil my existence, how to live my only reality and finally being a man.
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