Guilt

Guilt. This terrible feeling. I always felt guilt. I can feel guilt from my early recollections, guilt have been with me everywhere, constant companion of my life, not wanted but always there. Mother did teach me that the house should be clean, appearances were everything. The responsibility was ours to keep it clean. She always had other things to do, too busy with her life. The least we could for her was to keep the house clean. (!) I think mother's outlook of life was such that all she could feel was anger and later desperation. I can now see that for whatever reason she used us, family, and me, as some kind of releasing valve. She could be really hateful and spiteful, her anger probably stronger that any other feeling of hers .Her physical, mental and verbal punishment for my mistakes always ended with me marching to my bedroom, " get to your room and clean it, I will come to get you.Make sure you do it properly. Close the door, I do not want to see or hear you"r" She use to yell . I can still feel the fear that took me on another level of reality. Everything would stop to have any bearing, only fear and guilt did matter to me at those times. Sometimes I am amazed of how I did not developed some kind of obsession disorder on the home maintenance front. I am still clean and I like organisation and order, but I am not obsessed with it. My strongest childhood recollection is the one of me, sitting on my bed, imagining diamonds, sparkling in my bedroom, shining with light and colours. First I can see the prismatic games of the diamonds with the light, then I feel the guilt. I thought If I had diamonds to make my bedroom shiny and beautiful to her eyes, everything would be OK, maybe the fear I felt would go away, maybe I would not feel it any more, maybe she would open that door, she would take me back , maybe she would come and cuddle me, love me, as I needed to be. I could feel her in my soul. Why she is not coming for me? I think that in those moments of my life the seed of worthlessness that grew throughout my life was planted. I was not of any worth to her. That was my truth. My reality. The reality of this thought was that from IMAGINING diamonds, I started to BELIEVE my life was some kind of cinema trick were my life was the projection of a film titled ALEX, with me as the only spectator in a dark cinema hall. My realities were altered. Nothing did mattered, my reality dictated that it was simply a film. Nothing could hurt me. In that bedroom I did cry and I did call for mother, but she was not to come. I thought I was not of any worth to her, if I had any, certainly she would have come .(!) Guilt was my true company. Guilt of not being good enough for her. Why?. Was I that bad?? Today I can look back and see that mother had too many issues of her own to be a loving mother to us, to me. She was raised as an outsider, taken in care of relatives at an early age. I think she felt abandoned, she felt alone, and whatever step she took in life was of no comfort to her. Probably she thought a family would help her. We did not, We only make it worst. hence the anger and depression. I could feel the guilt, I could feel the fear. I could feel the confusion.That was real. The only place I could hide was that cellar. I was OK in there. When I left at the start of my career at fourteen,at college, new emotions only added to the confusion and mother started to fade away in my thoughts. The simple act of being away from her shadow, make me feel alive. I felt almost happy. Outside on my own I could feel that there was more to fear and guilt. Of course I was simply mastering the skill of bottling everything up. The reality was that I had to go back to her. I think the illusion was that I could manage on my own. I could get rid of my fear of her by being away, but the reality was that I felt guilty. I was abandoning her as others before me did. Another vicious circle of depression. To get rid of the feeling of worthlessness I had to feel more guilt for leaving her behind. After college I did stayed home, until my early twenties. By that time my guilt was steadily growing. I was no good for mother, nothing I did would help me or indeed her. I felt depressed and suicidal, just like her. Nicely done. (!) The bond with her have always been very strong, I could feel her, in my soul. When I eventually cut that bond, guilt simply overwhelmed me, but for my own sanity I took that step. It was my only option and I felt a great sense of loss. I felt a hole in my soul and it was my fault only, I cut that bond and I have to live with it. At this point in my life my career took me abroad frequently. I had no ties and a heavy soul. I tried to build different relationships, but nothing really made a difference. Drugs were starting to rule my life and nothing felt good. The clouds started to gather, the sky in my mind getting greyer by the day. The storm was unleashing. My guilt was exploding. The drugs sheltered me from it. I did run and hide for cover. I did find myself once again in another reality. That same cinema hall of an earlier age, on the screen the same film titled ALEX. It felt good. I felt tired and exhausted. I slept, for a long time After a long time, somehow, I did wake up. The darkness was more depressing then anything I had known before. All my feelings, instincts, likings and values got jumbled up, the confusion was total and for a long time I did not see a way out. I thought life was not worth living, In the rare moments of lucidity the only things I could see and feel, was more fear. My life was going no where, I was even more confused, and I could not see how to came out of it. This new guilt for not being able to act almost make me tip over. I could understand that drugs had been a big mistake but I still was not able to do anything about it. Total depression. My only prize-thought was that I had never been a real criminal. I always tried not to become one, I was lucky, as I almost failed on that account too. I had to do something to ensure my survival. I had to do something before it would been too late. My life was slipping away and I had achieved nothing. Out of fear of running out of time and thanks to a friend that showed me I was almost at rock bottom, I did manage to wake up and walk out of that reality. Finally I could see a way out. I had to shake off the drugs and exit that cinema reality I was living. Somehow I did it. Outside some menacing clouds were still hovering, but the storm was gone. The sky was clearer and eventually I did learn to live again. I took a day at the time, one step at the time. The guilt for what had been almost gone . I did understand I did make mistakes, but I paid for them , dearly. Family had exit the stage some time earlier and the life companion feelings of guilt and fear had gone. I thought I was in the clear. My soul felt less heavy. Life was looking up. I could finally start to live my life. Still. It did not felt right. Something was still keeping me under cover. I still felt depressed. Why? I had ironed all my thoughts, the past have been dealt with and yet,... what was wrong with me??(!) Then I felt it again, after a long long time I felt this new reality that was out there. And it felt right. I did felt it in the past, floating around me, rarely touching me, still, sometimes I felt in in my bones, in my soul. Suddenly I was able to understand what it was and why I never even considered it to be my reality, my truth. I felt scared, but the fear was different, very different from the one I felt until then. It was not that fear of my guilt that I knew before. I realised that I was simply scared of letting myself go. Suddenly the confusion was gone, my fears and depression did not matter any more. I felt how I could feel if I did let go, I felt the energy of this one single thought, so incredible and at the same time so true if I just could let myself go. And by God I did it . I did let go. My body instinctively felt a rushing bolt of energy that shook my whole being, lighting every corner of my soul and making me feel light and powerful, finally happy to be,, tears came as they never came before, finally able to let go, able to empty my soul of the poison that where some of my thoughts. Free, willing and able to be what I always knew I was. At last I AM Gayness, this other feeling that I felt at times in my life, always there with me, the hidden companion of my life. I realise that I had never even tried to grasp my reality, my own judgement too clouded by guilt, fear, worthlessness and drugs, too heavy in my soul to see that I had been there all along. I finally accept the truth that I am not responsible for my mother, I am not in fear of my past and I am worth living my future. The reality is one. I AM GAY All else was a state of my mind. There were never any diamonds, there was no dark cinema hall and there was no film titled ALEX. Finally I can go my way, ready to live my life. Alex