Friends.

Friends are a strange entity in my life. Friend is the magic word.

I had always counted on friendship, friends are my only support, and that is the truth.
After me I can only ask a friend when I am in deep water. Or at least that is my interpretation and expectation of it.
I guess I ask too much.

Actually I want to get it differently. I use to be completely dependant emotionally on friends, and I can see that was one of my major misjudgment.
It was definitely unfair on them. Obviously friends are friends, everyone have his life. I can be a part of that but not more than that. There was a time when I believed in friends, like in books, like in some kind of Stephen King story. Obviously it is not.
I believed in best friend too, You know, the one that stick with you, whatever the weather.Like Tom Saywer and Huckleberry Finn. Obviouly it is not.
I did never get it. My feelings, emotions, needs of exclusivity and belonging, the feeling of being important for someone, anyone, those feelings of anger and delusion, they just clouded the bigger picture.
To tell the truth I never looked at the bigger picture. I never knew there was a picture to look at. But i guess that come with experience. It does really make all sense.

I am realising the my epiphany. as someone called it in gaylife, was just the start of the whole process of discovery. I am looking back at my past to understand who i am today. I am retracing my steps, and where there were hazy memories, now I see facts and consequences. I am putting the words under the pictures.
To be fair on myself I did try before, but always failed to see the meaning of it all.
I do not if for the detox or my acceptance, I am now connecting the dots. I feel very very good about it. It is a great confidence booster.
In two weeks I met and talked to so many people, gay and straight, old and new, and I am foundinf that I am a chatty guy, I finally feel normal, what an irony.
I am a partecipant on the circus of life. I have gone from apathy to full head up attitude, and it is really working. I feel confident. .I can still mix and minge, like in my younger years.

From now i have to be able to rein my emotions and be really sensible with people around me. I was like a blood sucker. My expectations were always too high. I need to give time and space to everyone. I will unleash myself easily without drama. I will reserve my energy for the man that, I hope, will come into my life. I cannot pretend to be understood or loved from friends.
My passion and emotion I will leave for my lover.

For the sake of my future friends, I hope to get laid soon. Funny ah?!!?
Really I have to manage my feelings better. I do not want to waste my needs.

I have to try. Already I can see that with every person I meet or any cyber friend I get, I behave like a jerk. I feel that I have to get myself naked before I can be really comfortable. I need to talk about me, I need to tell my story;
I feel like I am justifyng myself for who I am. I fear of not being understood, so I give my soul out, thought by thought, word by word. I need to explain why i got to this point in this state.

But now I see better, I see what is happening and I am trying to behave. I guess more than depressed, I was simply repressed. I just hope that after those initial times I will come down. Writing my thoughts is certainly a focus, and seeing on a page make it real and I can understand it.

Still it is difficult to keep to the general chat. Now I have to follow some interest and than I will be able to play my part, no problem.

I have to try not to suffocate people that are getting near me.

Or maybe I can talk about myself without guilt. I do not have to get naked in front of "friends". I will let them strip me on their own pace, if they want at all.