Amazing

Amazing

Amazing, everything is falling into place. It is very very rewarding, it all seemed so complicated before. But now I finally start to understand, it is all oh so simple. The reason why I felt for all my adult life so depressed and unable to belong                                                                                                           .                                                                                                                                                                                      The amazing thing is that the answer have always been there. I am gay , I was born gay, but never wanted to even start consider looking into my soul to search for it.  I  did never understood why all my reasoning never took me anywhere. I did put up a wall around me and hided behind it.                                                                                                                                                                                                I used to think that my depression was a result of that blasted familly of mine, a result of all the years  on my own, with heroin as my only way of living. How wrong I misjudged the whole situation. But know finally I am starting to get my feelings and emotions back, I FEEL ALIVE for the first time in a long time, and it is amazing, really amazing.  My body is getting sensations back, my thoughts are clearer as they had never been.                                                                                                                                                                                               Now I can see , every single step I took, consciounsly or unconsciounsly, had been the result of my hiding by myself, and what is more I can see how I lied to myself  without really realising  I was. My addiction had kept me under a thick cloud of nothingness. For twenty years I have been hiding , sure that my life was not really worth anything anymore. And I almost manage to believe my own lies. All the justifications I made to myself, trying to con myself that there was no way out. I thought I was dying. But now I understand.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               And is amazing and wonderful  not having to hide anymore. My feelings are coming back and I feel happy. I can start to love myself for what I am. No more hiding for me, thank you very much. I never thought I would accept myself. My big mistake have been to think that all my problems were a consequence of not having a family around me, or that I was simply a junkie. I never digged into it, for fear of realising that I was a bad person, even when every bone in my body  was telling me I wasn't. And so the confusion and depression.                                                                                                                                                                                                                              But today I stand up , tall and proud that finally everything make sense, everything fit. I know I need help and I have to express myself, this diary is certainly of help. Today I asked my drug counsellor about some kind of therapy to get everything out of mt system.  Alex