It have been a while since my last writing here. There are many reasons for it, but the main one was that I was busy, in a relationship, my first gay one, and it did took up most of my time and of my thoughts.
In my last post I did reflect about addictions and how I did get involved with drugs, but mainly it was unwinding about my now ex partner and his excessive drinking. Now we have split up, and all have changed. again, as I said somewhere else it is all just the state of my mind.
I was so frustratred with the whole situation we, I was finding myself in, it did get to the point of anger and then I felt emotionally drained, as well as being really stressed out by it all. I spent most of my counselling sessions talking about why I felt that way, and now it seem all so clear. It was just not the right relationship for me.
But of course until I take a step back and look at the situation from a detached point of view, the emotions and feelings simply prevail and cloud my better judgement. In a way it was the same as when I was on drugs, too involved to have a clear view. Thankfully it seem I always get that moment of lucidity that make me see things in a rational and realistic way.
And thankfully I can find the strenght to take steps in my life that make things happen and change the way I am living my life. I hope for my sake that I will always have this ability to step back and see myself out there. I guess I should be proud of being able to make changes when I am not happy. But self esteem and apreciation of myself are not really a strong point of mine.
Anyway, since the split, I feel great, and free. Cliche' yes, but finally I have the confidence to go out there and meet new people and build relations and have fun. I guess I have now the strenght to go out there and enjoy this reborn I am experiencing. After years of drugs and isolation, I simply don't want to be on my own anymore. I need to be with people, make friends, and enjoy the time. I am getting old, and I get a shot at life only once. So better get on with it.
The relationship with my ex make me understood many things. First of all, I know now what are my needs, emotionally and phisycally, I got to understand what type of man I fancy and what I am looking for from a relationship, and ultimately from my life. It is a journey of discovery that have just started, there are many many things I need to learn and see and experience. life have just begun for me, and now I feel ready to live it. Getting tied up in a relationship full of tension and misunderstandings and issues was not a good start, but all experiences are good for my journey. Knowledge of myself is key. And I am getting it. One day at the time. As long as I have the ability to look at me and do the changes I need.
Saturday, 16 May 2009
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Addictions
This is a very difficult issue for me. I have been an addict to heroin for years, and now I am finally out I can only wonder how I ever did get involved to such an extent that I did not care if I did die or not.
I am writing this not for me really, but because I see it happening around me, with different abuse, still I see addiction to any substance as a way of dealing with problems, or better as a way of not dealing with them.
The person I love is turning out to be an alcoholic. Of course he does not really accept the situation he is in, but he is. I feel so powerless. My love for him is not enough for him to cut it out. For experience I know he have to admit why he look for alcohol when his mind get depressed and need to stop thinking about his problems. I know it is much more complicated than those few words.
He knows why he feel depressed, he knows why he feel he can't be happy. But I know that he can change his state of mind if he simply accept the truths of his life. He can't change what happened in his past, he can't change who he is, but he can change how he feels about it. At the moment the guilt is consuming his soul. He have no real faults, he knows it, when he get drunk he always say that he have done anything wrong. And it is true. He hasn't. Only he can't accept it.
Good thing is that he is starting to realize that he can't keep carrying on like this, as he is ruining his life, and now he sees that he is hurting me and his family. He knows we all love him and we care for him. I love and care for him. And I don't know what to do. I can love him, be there for him, try to keep him safe. But he need real help, and he have to ask for it.
For now he understand it is a problem, that is a start. I'll try to help him stop the routine and habit. He is now at a point where he drink simply out of habit, like I was taking drugs because I did not know better. It just come to a point where one feed his addiction just because it must, just to feel "better". The loop never break. The habit simply run life. No space to think what one is doing. The body and the mind demand the abuse and blindly one give in.
For me I got to a point where I saw what my life had became. An endless out of mind state, with no periods of clarity. No chance to see through the fog.
It took some doing to get help. But it can be done. The main thing is stop using. Everything come clearer in a short time. When finally I saw through, I started to understand and slowly I am making sense of my life.
He is now at the crossroad. He knows what he have to do. I was alone, it was difficult and drugs are much harder, as the body scream for relief. Thank God for Methadone.
Alcohol I think is different. He should feel better straight away, as soon as his mind clears up. His body will be fine. And I am here to support him, he is not alone as I was. He just have to find the strenght to say no to the urge. And I am here. I love him and he loves me. Everything else will come togheter. He can talk about his guilt as I do with my counsellor, or he can talk with me. But he have to let it out or addiction and guilt will keep following him.
I am writing this not for me really, but because I see it happening around me, with different abuse, still I see addiction to any substance as a way of dealing with problems, or better as a way of not dealing with them.
The person I love is turning out to be an alcoholic. Of course he does not really accept the situation he is in, but he is. I feel so powerless. My love for him is not enough for him to cut it out. For experience I know he have to admit why he look for alcohol when his mind get depressed and need to stop thinking about his problems. I know it is much more complicated than those few words.
He knows why he feel depressed, he knows why he feel he can't be happy. But I know that he can change his state of mind if he simply accept the truths of his life. He can't change what happened in his past, he can't change who he is, but he can change how he feels about it. At the moment the guilt is consuming his soul. He have no real faults, he knows it, when he get drunk he always say that he have done anything wrong. And it is true. He hasn't. Only he can't accept it.
Good thing is that he is starting to realize that he can't keep carrying on like this, as he is ruining his life, and now he sees that he is hurting me and his family. He knows we all love him and we care for him. I love and care for him. And I don't know what to do. I can love him, be there for him, try to keep him safe. But he need real help, and he have to ask for it.
For now he understand it is a problem, that is a start. I'll try to help him stop the routine and habit. He is now at a point where he drink simply out of habit, like I was taking drugs because I did not know better. It just come to a point where one feed his addiction just because it must, just to feel "better". The loop never break. The habit simply run life. No space to think what one is doing. The body and the mind demand the abuse and blindly one give in.
For me I got to a point where I saw what my life had became. An endless out of mind state, with no periods of clarity. No chance to see through the fog.
It took some doing to get help. But it can be done. The main thing is stop using. Everything come clearer in a short time. When finally I saw through, I started to understand and slowly I am making sense of my life.
He is now at the crossroad. He knows what he have to do. I was alone, it was difficult and drugs are much harder, as the body scream for relief. Thank God for Methadone.
Alcohol I think is different. He should feel better straight away, as soon as his mind clears up. His body will be fine. And I am here to support him, he is not alone as I was. He just have to find the strenght to say no to the urge. And I am here. I love him and he loves me. Everything else will come togheter. He can talk about his guilt as I do with my counsellor, or he can talk with me. But he have to let it out or addiction and guilt will keep following him.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
Love
What a different emotion it is love, and I guess I am in love.
With girls in my straight days it was a different emotion. I remember I wanted to love, I thought I was loving, and I never really felt loved back. It was like the relationships with the gals were build on sex and nothing else. My emotional needs felt completely out of place, as I felt I was looking for something the ladies could not give to me. It is difficult to put into words, but girls were a forced thing. And I did not understand why I could not made them love me. Probably some of them did, but I never felt it. After the sex had lost its initial exciting appeal, there was nothing left. Very depressing. And anyway I felt always on a different level. Never really connected, and what is more disconcerting when I think about it is that I never started a relationship, with any of them. I have been proposed by all of them. One even jumped in my bed, with me protesting, but she wanted to be with me, and I let her.
It just did not feel right, so I never looked for it. I understand now, but at the time I thought that I was simply waiting for the right girl.
Since accepting my sexuality I have been looking back at all those episodes in my life. I did go with a girl after I had some encounter with a guy. I guess I wanted to demonstrate to myself I was not gay. But then I did not relate things at all.
So I never felt much, apart from being uncomfortable, and at times I felt used. And they never lasted long anyway.
With H it is a revelation. I feel him, especially after the last arguing we had, we have turned a corner. We want to be togheter and we will work out our fears and frustrations. I feel when I am with him as I never felt. I am completely out and comfortable with him, and he is with me.
It is like being complete, I don't need anything or anyone if he is with me. We compensate and support each other. It is the most wonderful of sensations knowing that he miss me and he think of me. The trust I have is complete. He will break me if he abuse my love. And he is not. That much I know. I thought I could never trust anyone with my feelings, but I trust him. I love him and miss hin all the time.
I know this is a honeymoon period, and that probably we will settle for a more relaxed relationship, but I know we are growing togheter and we will learn every day. I am so happy. He is my first love. Right now I think he is the one I want to grow with. But it is early days and life is impredictable. But the security of him is the best feeling I ever had.
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